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[ - ] Shit. WWYD? Friends are visiting from out of town. They were my friends first over 15 years ago, but became my friends with DH after we met 12 years ago. They are staying in a hotel and we are scheduled to so dinner and a show with them today. Well, DH just told he doesn’t feel close to them, never has, and finds that me needs to brace himself each time we are in their company. He says everything always seems heavy with them which admittedly might be true, but he always volunteers the really intimate information about what he is struggling with. They are mental health professions, FYI. Bottom line, he does not want to go dinner/show, or interact any further. He says to tell the he is sick. I can do this but, when would you tell your friends there is a bigger problem? Now when they are away from home and visiting you, or, the next time you see them on their turf? 64 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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New York City 06.15.19, 02:47 PM Flag
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So much overthinking going on here [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:50 PM Flag
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Please elaborate. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:50 PM Flag
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OP: I am genuinely asking for help. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:52 PM Flag
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I can't tell what you are asking for help about. So much thinking about going to dinner and a show? Saying he doesn't feel close to them? Worrying about telling them there is a bigger problem? Just go to dinner and a show, keep it light, and no need to have a formal sit down with them over your feelings. That's what I mean about overthinking. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:53 PM Flag
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Ok. So tell people who drove 300 miles to see “us”, that he is sick and leave it at that? Save the serious conversation about how he does not want to continue friendship for another day? If so, do I break the news, or do I ask him to talk to them himself? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:56 PM Flag
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Yes. Tell them he's sick. There needn't be a conversation about ending the friendship. Just be less available for plans, etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:04 PM Flag
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This seems extreme. Are you recommending that I end a 15 year friendship because DH does not feel close to them? Wouldn’t it be more reasonable to now have a separate relationship that doesn't include DH? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:10 PM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:16 PM Flag
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Wow. ok. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:29 PM Flag
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No, she's recommending that OP say DH is sick and in the future make less plans with them or plans that don't include DH. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:37 PM Flag
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np -- yes, tell them he's sick tonight, go have fun, and in future just go on own, do not tell them his problem w them, will create unnecessary drama and awkwardness. Just be available on your own now -- he's busy, has other plans etc (true). This is not that uncommon with friends who one part of the couple has made on their own. DH does not need to suffer through it anymore and you do not need to explain, just enjoy on your own. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:13 PM Flag
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Tell them he is sick. Enjoy their company yourself. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:54 PM Flag
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Ok. I’ll consider this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:57 PM Flag
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He is uncomfortable because they are mental health professionals? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:50 PM Flag
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I don’t think so. He says he just doesn't Feel close and I guess he doesn't want to fake it anymore. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:51 PM Flag
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So cancel. Be loyal to DH not the friends. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:01 PM Flag
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Eek! I don’t think that’s is wise. They are in town from 300 miles away to see us. That would be very rude. Does anyone else think I should cancel out of Loyalty to DH? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:04 PM Flag
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np -- def not, not at this late notice. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:13 PM Flag
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If he truly can't struggle through an evening let him off the hook and enjoy them yourself. There are friends of DH I can't tolerate and he's aware of tbat. In this case I'd probably go, get drunk and make an ass of myself so maybe for the sake of your friendship avoiding is best. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:56 PM Flag
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Eventually though, they are bound to ask why DH is not a part of of our joint outings like he used to be. I don’t feel comfortable with avoidance without having a plan for when to directly address what’s going on. Side note: DH is a chronic depressive, and currently going through a bad bout of depression. Could this be chalked up to this? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:00 PM Flag
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Yes, and you honestly sound a bit anxious yourself. Do you notice that? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:05 PM Flag
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Now that you say it, yes. They are my oldest friends here (immigrant) and losing them would be like losing family. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:08 PM Flag
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Again, why would you lose them? Just go to dinner and the show. See what happens. You are thinking way too far ahead [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:10 PM Flag
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Ok. I’ll stay in the present for now, and not try to address what could happen in the future. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:12 PM Flag
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Omg you are so completely overthinking this. Go to dinner. Tell them he feels sick. Enjoy your evening. Life will go on and you can address whatever comes next with them when it comes. You yourself say that DH is in the middle of a bad depressive episode. Perhaps his feelings will change the next time they come into town. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:38 PM Flag
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just say he's doing his own thing, not as social these days *shrug* -- my bff's husband has stopped going out too, its not that big of a deal. People, things, change and everyone gets to do what they're comfortable with. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:15 PM Flag
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How often does he even see them? This sounds ridiculous. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:58 PM Flag
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Once every 2 months. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:01 PM Flag
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OP: what’s ridiculous? My uncertainty about how to proceed, or DH? Genuinely asking. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:02 PM Flag
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Your need to have a plan for when to directly address what is going on. Your DH seems to be in crisis and you are dithering over a future conversation that may not occur. If you want to tell them something try telling the truth. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:10 PM Flag
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I’ll stay in the present for now (he is sick) , and save possible future conversations for later. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:13 PM Flag
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+1. He may feel different next time. Do they know he's depressed? That should really be self-explanatory that sometimes he won't want to go out. I don't feel "close" to any of DH's friends, nor he mine. You are overdramatizing. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:30 PM Flag
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Yes. They definitely know he is depressed. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:37 PM Flag
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Then, they shouldn't be asking any questions and there is nothing to explain. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:19 PM Flag
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I agree with you that it isn't ridiculous because I have friends DH doesn't like and I have to figure out how to keep the relationship going without him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:52 PM Flag
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IS everything heavy with them because that can be a real drag. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:08 PM Flag
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Not everything. But he tends to voluntarily divulge his mental health struggles to them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:14 PM Flag
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This sounds like your DH's problem. He shouldn't feel pressure to have a therapy session with them. I agree it's probably part of the depression that's turning him off from them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:17 PM Flag
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OP: That’s my inclination as well. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:20 PM Flag
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I wouldn’t tell them. What’s the point? It doesn’t sound like you see them all that often. Personally, I think he should suck it up and go and behave himself, for your sake if nothing else. It’s one night and half of it will be spent watching a show. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:17 PM Flag
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Thanks, but I think I’ll just go alone, and have fun. This will be dealt with on another day. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:21 PM Flag
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DH sounds like a drama queen. They're coming from 300 miles away to see you and at no point when you were planning with them did he bring this up? He waited until last minute? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:21 PM Flag
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Yup. Said nothing until this morning. I do think that this was precipitated by dinner conversation last night. He divulged information about current depressive bout. You know, it’s possible that because they are therapists and he is very depressed, he feels “naked” around them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:25 PM Flag
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Then he needs to be the one who cancels. I'm so sick of men refusing to take responsibility for themselves. You're not his mother. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:20 PM Flag
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Exactly this. He is not your child. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 10:13 PM Flag
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100%. He needs to suck it the F up and go tonight. They came a long way. Then after this weekend you can reduce the frequency with which you see them. But do not make this your visitors problem. It's shitty of him to flake and it's total drama. Tell DH to stop sharing information he doesn't want others to have. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:48 PM Flag
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Sounds like your DH regrets sharing too much with them. You can't unring a bell. Let him be "sick" but know that your friendship will just have to consist of just you and them going forward. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:23 PM Flag
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I think this might be the case, indeed. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:26 PM Flag
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OP: navigating the new dynamic/“uncoupling” may be a little challenging but...such is life. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:28 PM Flag
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I posted above about a similar situation. My DH doesn't over-divulge but he can act like a jerk around them which is awful because he doesn't care what they think. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:53 PM Flag
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Your DH sounds like he's making much more of this than it really is, dinner and a show is no big deal, but if he's depressed and feeling vulnerable then maybe he just can't deal with being social and putting on a false face for them, and doesn't want to share his current struggle. In that case, it's actually true to say he's sick, so just leave it at that. No need to have some heavy discussion with them about how DH doesn't like them. He may feel differently next time, or maybe not, but they can still be your friends, especially if you make this about your DH's issues and don't suggest there is something wrong with the friends. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:37 PM Flag
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I agree with this approach. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 10:15 PM Flag
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I think you're overthinking it. Tonight say he's sick. In the future clarify his preference with him before you make plans with them again. Maybe he'll feel this way in two months, maybe not. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:53 PM Flag
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THANK YOU, everyone! I really appreciate the general consensus to stay in the hear and now, and be ready for my friendship to evolve into a different state without overthinking it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:12 PM Flag
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here, not hear [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:32 PM Flag
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Don't say anything. Just stop socializing with them after this weekend. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:31 PM Flag
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Um no, these are her friends who are important to her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 10:16 PM Flag
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Is DH willing to go to the show, which is structured so may require little conversing? If so, I would just attend dinner, have DH meet at the show, and end the night on the early end. Did you not know DH wasn't into these friends? They are mental health professionals and maybe DH feels boundaries are a bit crossed and also doesn't really them anymore. They just have a weird relationship, and he needs a break from it or you need to redirect it. I would ask him to attend just the show, but then I would schedule less with them and not divulge the reasons. You can also mix it up, like have a girls' weekend w the wife only. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 06:12 PM Flag
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How often do you see them? I would say he was sick and see what happens next time they visit. If they do not visit for another year, tell dh to suck it up for an evening. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 06:26 PM Flag
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Tell him to put his big boy pants on and go [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 06:50 PM Flag
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He's having an affair and he confided in the DH of this couple and now he doesn't want to face it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 06:55 PM Flag
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This is not a good sign with your DH. Sorry, but in relationships you tolerate each other's friends. You let him get away with this one he will add more to the list. What a baby. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 09:48 PM Flag
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Sounds like he's resisting an intimate friendship. It's not that he doesn't feel close to them. It's that he doesn't want to be close to them, and prefers friendships that are more shallow. That's too bad. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 10:02 PM Flag
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He overshared. Doesn't know to to maintain healthy boundaries. That's his problem. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.19, 04:42 AM Flag
[ - ] S/O: French Manicures are coming back into style. 9 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:23 PM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:41 PM Flag
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Stop trying to make fetch happen. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:47 PM Flag
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Get one or don't. It's up to you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:47 PM Flag
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I don't understand the obsession some people have with their paws other than keeping them clean. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:52 PM Flag
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Already filed under "I don't care." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:31 PM Flag
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Haha. Trust me, they aren't. On a side note, in France this is called "American nails." It's not a French thing at all. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:42 PM Flag
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LOL I always wondered this. I have never had a "French manicure" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:54 PM Flag
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Highly doubt this. The worst is when people do it on their toes. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:48 PM Flag
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I hate that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 07:31 PM Flag
[ - ] My sister separated Earlier this year. It was sort of sudden. Married for more than 20 years. In less than 3 months has social media verified serious relationship after knowing some guy for two or three weeks. I don’t get it. 19 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:56 PM Flag
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You're obviously not close if you know about her relationship through social media, so probably things had been over for her in her mind longer. Maybe it was not at all sudden. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:00 PM Flag
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We are close And I know about the relationship. I’m just saying that she is posting on social media and super serious after knowing someone for a few weeks. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:11 PM Flag
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Sounds like classic rebound relationship--but I hope for your sister's sake it's the real thing. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:24 PM Flag
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I wish she’d go to therapy and spend some time alone before jumping in another relationship. I have a feeling her need to be with someone is so strong she won’t take some steps to figure things out. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:26 PM Flag
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Got it - I misunderstood. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:27 PM Flag
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But she hasn’t been talking to me much about this because I think she knows I wouldn’t be supportive. She was “seeing someone” before this guy and I told her to maybe take some space for herself. She’s very into this new guy so not reaching out to talk as much much. I sort of get it. It is her process. I just get worried for her and for her youngest kid who is having a hard time with the separation. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:42 PM Flag
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She is already bringing him around the kids a lot and he let my parents about a week after they met. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:47 PM Flag
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Maybe she knows him longer than you understand? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:17 PM Flag
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No she doesn’t. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:28 PM Flag
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she said social-media-verified which doesn't imply she didn't learn it from her sister, just that the sister considers it significant enough to share broadly [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:55 PM Flag
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Yes. It was her profile picture a week or two after they met In Person for the first time. They talked over text for a week or so before that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:58 PM Flag
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Assuming she was miserable for a good number of years, I doubt she's in the mood to practice discernment and good judgment in dating. She's found a man who makes her feel good for now. She's ready to enjoy her life again. I just hope he doesn't scam her in any way. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:04 PM Flag
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Her marriage dissolved very suddenly and she wasn’t miserable on the surface but I think she probably was unsatisfied underneath. She is attracted to guys that I think she can do better than. I’m not sure why. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:27 PM Flag
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Maybe she was having an affair with the guy while married. I have known several people like this.......You can't know for sure, but it's a possibility. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:07 PM Flag
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No she wasn’t. They met on a dating app. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:12 PM Flag
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Tell her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:48 PM Flag
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I think she needs some freedom to do things without judgment. Her whole life upended sort of suddenly. I wonder if there is a way to say it without making her feel Judged or wrong. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:06 PM Flag
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Omg. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 07:59 PM Flag
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What? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 08:03 PM Flag
[ - ] please help me plan 10 day trip to Israel over xmas break. can't decide whether to start or end in Jerusalem. 12 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:53 PM Flag
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Start at airport and end at airport. Just figure out stuff in between. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:55 PM Flag
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thanks, we got the airport part [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:56 PM Flag
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Don't miss going to Petra, it's life changing. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:08 PM Flag
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Petra is not Israel, FYI [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:02 PM Flag
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But it’s an easy and awe inspiring side trip. I enjoyed that more than anything I saw in Israel. Also I’d start in Jerusalem and check the boxes then enjoy the rest of your trip. Having been to Israel five times in the last 15 years, Jerusalem is my least favorite spot. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:51 PM Flag
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get a guide [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:28 PM Flag
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Would love to help plan! Where else do you want to go? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:31 PM Flag
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Be in Jerusalem for Shabbat. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:56 PM Flag
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really? i heard its better to get out for shabbat b/c there is nothing to do over shabbat - restaurants closed etc [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 06:27 PM Flag
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We did an amazing tour. Started in Tel Aviv, ended in Jerusalem, but drove back to Tel Aviv for flight (was not that far). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 07:16 PM Flag
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I went to Israel many years ago. I had a great time. I did not plan the trip, however. The friends I traveled with did the planning (hence why I probably can't remember everything). In no particular order we visited Jerusalem, Sea of Galilee, Masada, Dead Sea, Ein Gedi, Caesarea, Safed, Haifa, Tel Aviv, etc. We rented a car and drove all over. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 09:34 PM Flag
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We started and ended in Jerusalem, but made sure to go to Palestine bc we really wanted to see Bethlehem, and we were also were dying to see the Black Sea. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 10:25 PM Flag
[ - ] I have a super critical mom. I am working through a lot in therapy. Just remembered the other day that she criticized my baby name choice the day after my baby was born. It is a pretty classic name as well. Not unusual in any way. And as an alternative she suggested Curtis. I don’t know why I am posting this. Maybe to see if anyone else can relate? 31 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:48 PM Flag
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I’m sorry, what does your theraphist suggest? My mother is the same and I now see her only once a year which is plenty! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:56 PM Flag
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Boundaries. She also suggests sort of reflecting back to her things she is saying. The consensus is she lacks a lot of self awareness and doesn’t really see me either. She is very out of touch with herself and others. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:19 PM Flag
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I'm not in therapy, and my mom is not super critical, maybe just regular critical I don't know, but this is what I do. Whenever she questions or criticizes my decisions, I just turn it around and ask her what would she have done, how would she have felt, etc. and it usually leads to a moment of self reflection where she backs down when she realizes that she wouldn't want to be judged the same way she judges me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 10:44 PM Flag
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Some mothers treat their children like they are special because there is a special bond, love, history, etc. Some mothers don't. I have one who doesn't. So do you. Thus, you need to see everything your mother does through that filter, i.e., as though she is a stranger. Would you care if a stranger didn't like your baby name? That is, literally, all it is. It's nothing personal - which hurts when it's your mother because it SHOULD be personal. But it's not. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:08 PM Flag
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It’s inconsistent. She is not necessarily an unkind person. She does things to help me when I need help. She helped me move into a new apt after divorce etc. she is able to show up for things butbitis like there is an emotional connection missing. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:30 PM Flag
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I relate completely. I have so many stories like this from over the course of my lifetime. And specifically: during the first few years of our marriage, DH and I were trying for kids and we had a boy name picked out. Not a currently popular one but one that was more common 50 years ago so nothing crazy. My Mom hated it and it soured the name for me and we never used it despite years of thinking that we would. I am sorry that in your case this happened with your baby's real name. Only a narcissist (specific diagnosis irrelevant!) would suggest an alternate baby name for someone else's baby once that baby has been born and named. Awful. FWIW, I once went to therapy for help in getting out of a bad relationship. Within six months I had gotten out of this relationship that had been a problem for several more years. I was pretty satisfied but I ended up staying in therapy for six more years and we talked about my mom for the entirety of each session. Totally unplanned. My therapist could see what I could not -- that my mom's narcissism had permeated my entire life and shaped me tremendously. Took years to undo the damage but I am much better now. She can still hurt my feelings but I have an easier time brushing off the hurts now. And I don't let her influence my choices. Hugs to you! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:12 PM Flag
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OR: above should say "several years," not "several more years" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:15 PM Flag
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Thanks. I went to therapy to figure out why I can’t date and yes we talk about my mom a ton. I realize that my mom is pretty self absorbed. There are reasons. Given birth order and some other stuff I suspect as a very young child (under two) I was neglected a bit because she was overwhelmed. I also remember how my mom called me big boned and only really heaped praise when I was thin and pretty appearing. So much of a focus on my weight and looks. And a constant reminder of how him and pretty and popular she was in high school. She is always calling and wanting to be a part of my life but when she is around I just don’t feel up to being with her. She talks about other people etc and it is just exhausting l. Trying to make peace with it. Did you ever make peace with it? I don’t want her to die with me still feeling so much anger and resentment. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:17 PM Flag
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Wow, I can related to this so much, although I was first in birth order and had a spotlight shined on me for childhood years. My younger brother suffered for it badly. My Mom always focused on my appearance and made it clear that it came first, which was especially disastrous because in terms of my build and facial features I am less conventionally attractive than she is. I had many accomplishments in high school but she would often wake me up in the morning and tap my outer thighs or slight double chin and say "if only you'd lose this you would have a boyfriend." In retrospect, WTF?! And I always had to have lipstick on to leave the house because "you never know who you'll run into." Again, WTF?! She is desperate for family time but she makes us all tense. She talks about other people and about her own hobbies and can't bear to hear about anything else. In my case... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:26 PM Flag
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In addition to making me feel not attractive enough she was always rating other people/kids. Like several high schools girls who would be “so pretty if they would Lose weight”. Or talking about how unfortunate it was that someone’s daughter was born less attractive given how attractive the mother was. She once called one of my friends babies funny looking. She called another one of my good friends kids “different”’, in a not kind way. In her mind there is a very defined box of what makes people acceptable. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:35 PM Flag
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I'm sorry. I could have written this one, too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:49 PM Flag
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Op: thanks as a result I am constantly critiquing myself and others. I’m trying to stop but it is hard. I definitely don’t judge people’s kids like she does, at lest I haven’t picked up that horrendous trait, but it is hard with adult women to not always see how I stack up and I place too much importance on being pretty and desirable. And popular. It’s shaped me to be so externally focused and unwinding that is Really hard. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:04 PM Flag
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In my case she has actually mellowed in recent years. My SIL and I had kids around the same time and suddenly we had the leverage. We set some pretty firm boundaries and my mom finally seemed to realize that if she didn't play nice then she would have reduced access to the kids. She's an awesome, fun grandmother and my kids adore her so I am happy to keep that relationship going. Now I just medium chill her, which I largely learned from UB! But no, I will never get an apology or closure or a meaningful mother/daughter relationship. I had to let it go and it took years. Six years of therapy to get about 60% of the way there plus another ten years and making my own family to get another 30% of the way there. Oh well. Life isn't perfect. I do love her and I know that she loves me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:30 PM Flag
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Thanks for this! I’ve cumulatively been in therapy for three years but really the last year and a half is where I’ve really done the deep work. I feel like I will be in it for the indefinite future. I am learning to set boundaries. I have siblings who don’t set boundaries etc and make me feel guilty for doing so. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:37 PM Flag
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I felt hugely guilty for years. It was a process. We were probably hanging out with her 2-3 times per month for various birthdays, holidays and other events. Too much for me and way to much for my DH. I would say no to one thing and she would ask about the same thing five or six more times and guilt me every time! The punishment was always worse which is why throughout my life I just learned to go along with her. Total bully tactics. But I started saying no to more and more things and after years she finally realized that her guilting wasn't working on me. So she cut way back on that. I have the inverse of your situation, though, in that both of my brothers had pretty much flat-out rejected her years earlier. Put more pressure on me but at least they supported me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:49 PM Flag
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I don’t live close by I used to feel obligated to see her 4 times a year. When I would go down she would attempt to monopolize all my time. She would insist on knowing what my achieved was for each day, what I planned to do. I was on vacation and exhausted usually from working and having kids. When my kids were really small (they are less than two years apart) she would refuse to remove heavy breakable objects from table edges. Her rational was “when you were little I didn’t have to do that”. I remember one Christmas I had to spend every day constantly watching my children. It was awful. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:00 PM Flag
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How on earth could you reach adulthood and not know that your parents' personalities shape you and permeate your life??! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:54 PM Flag
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I think people know this. It is hard when you grow up in a dysfunctional environment to realize how bad it is, especially if you’re UMC and there’s no outright abuse etc. it is all you know so how do you know it is not right? I think your comment is a little harsh. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:06 PM Flag
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This describes me exactly. I knew by middle school that we become who are parents are or become the opposite of our parents, are highly influenced by our parents, marry our parents, etc. Sorry it sounds harsh, but I always wonder why people need 6 years of therapy to figure out this basic law of humanity. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:34 PM Flag
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It is not law of humanity it is psychology. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:53 PM Flag
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Those are not inconsistent. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 06:47 PM Flag
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https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:50 PM Flag
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My mom is incapable of praise, unless it’s for someone else’s kid. I get it. I can’t prepare a meal, get my kid ready for school, tidy my house, exist without my mom suggesting how I could have done it better. And when I react totally annoyed, I’m the problem because she means well when she is offering up these suggestions. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:15 PM Flag
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The dynamic around names is really complicated but do what you want. Once the baby arrives, no one really cares. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:47 PM Flag
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This was over a decade ago. I just remembered it now. And I was so used to my moms nonsense back then that it didn’t even register how inappropriate it was. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:54 PM Flag
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?? Not complicated at all unless you choose to make it so. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 07:24 PM Flag
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Everyone gets to name their own child. She named her children. She named hers and now she wants to name yours? No. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:47 PM Flag
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This is just an example of her being critical. It happened ages ago and I just recalled it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:55 PM Flag
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My mother in law called my dd the name she wanted us to name her for months until dh finally blew up at her and demanded better behavior. So she started calling her by her actual name on her next visit and smoked a cigarette in our bathroom with all the windows closed. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, I can’t imagine my own mom being so horrible. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 06:34 PM Flag
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I'm sorry your mom is super critical. That must be hard. And that's the lens through which you see your interactions with her. Because I have to tell you, my whole family criticized my baby name choices for both my DCs (even made lists of names they liked better) and I didn't care. But that's because I am secure in the love my mom has for me. That's the key. I hope you are getting help to work through this. A difficult relationship with one's mother can affect so many aspects of your life. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 10:44 PM Flag
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Your family sounds obnoxious. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.19, 12:51 AM Flag
[ - ] I hate being so cash strapped. Especially with graduations, birthdays, etc. I would love to give nice gifts but really shouldn’t. 10 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:40 PM Flag
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Just send a congrats card with no gift. But can you keep a secret to yourself to give when you can? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:46 PM Flag
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What does "a secret to yourself" mean? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:26 PM Flag
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^^Not OP, I just don't understand this advice [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:27 PM Flag
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NP. I think this means don't promise anything, but mentally keep track and give something when you can. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:32 PM Flag
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I would give a nominal amount if it is a close relationship because what seems nothing to you is meaningful for kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:49 PM Flag
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$20 for graduation, $5 for birthdays. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:33 PM Flag
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Five dollars only Okay if they are under 10. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:40 PM Flag
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Right. For kids, then ok, but if adults, then please just give a card with nothing else. I'm still, 10 years later, so annoyed at the friend of DH (whom I knew to have a crush on him) that came to our wedding and gave a card with $20 in it. I would much rather have received a card with no money, but to receive an actual 20 dollar bill absolutely annoyed the shit out of me bc I felt like she was purposely fucking with me/us. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 10:55 PM Flag
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Why would you love to give nice gifts? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:50 PM Flag
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Jerk mom? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:23 PM Flag
[ - ] Do you think you can ever say thank you too many times? Is there a point it becomes gratuitous and insincere? e.g. There's some extra cream in the fridge, dear. Ok, thanks? 8 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:38 PM Flag
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If you kept saying thank you for the cream in the fridge long after you've been told, then yes, that's over the top. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:16 PM Flag
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If you're looking to find fault, sure. Seems pretty innocent to me. This reminds me of a Dear Prudie quote that I read years before getting married and saved and try to live by now that I am married. It was about "a marital culture of thoughtfulness and appreciation." Those are the keys to lasting happiness. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:17 PM Flag
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I think it's the one thing you can't say too many times. It's free, it's kind and it harms no one. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:34 PM Flag
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Of course it does. It's annoying and it makes people question your sincerity. It makes them feel awkward, like they should be doing something as well. It's selfish. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 06:49 PM Flag
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Your welcome. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:37 PM Flag
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You're [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:05 PM Flag
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Yes. If you don't say thank you enough people get upset. If you say it too much they get more upset. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:11 PM Flag
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I think it gets gratuitous to be thanked over and over for the same thing. But just being someone who says thanks often doesn't seem like a problem. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:42 PM Flag
[ - ] Apologize, give her space if she needs it, but don’t ever give up. Mothers are the only people who love you unconditionally. 9 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:14 PM Flag
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This. I believe it’s always up to parents to find a way to make things right with their children. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:45 PM Flag
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So, the children can behave badly and the mom has to "make it right"? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 07:12 PM Flag
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Speak for yourself. My mother has always made it abundantly clear that her love is entirely conditional. Apologize to her? For what? Surviving? Give her space? For what? So she can continue to play out her totally untreated mental illness, which is now threatening to result in her becoming homeless? Really? I don't think so. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:30 PM Flag
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Op's advice is to the mother who emotionally abused her dd. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:36 PM Flag
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Lucky you. Not my mother. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:27 PM Flag
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Gurl, this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:09 PM Flag
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Nope. Some mothers are toxic and should not be tolerated. And I had a great mom. But I've had friends with mothers so toxic they had to sever their relationships, and it was the right thing to do. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:46 PM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 06:59 PM Flag
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What if you have a mom who does not love you unconditionally? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.19, 03:34 AM Flag
[ - ] They released the identity of the man killed with a stray bullet walking his dog in upper Manhattan, so sad.... 9 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:19 AM Flag
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https://www.google.com/amp/s/abc7ny.com/amp/man-walking-dog-fatally-shot-by-stray-bullet-in-manhattan/5343159/ [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:19 AM Flag
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whyyyy guns [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:42 AM Flag
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Because 'murica. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 09:31 AM Flag
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I’m in Montana visiting family and 30% of the people have guns and there’s probably more guns than people in the state and people don’t get killed by stray bullets. There’s zero gangs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:36 PM Flag
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And your point is.....what exactly, or is there no point? Other than to say that where there is so much empty land/few people it is easier to shoot and hit no one? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.19, 12:13 AM Flag
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and the zero gangs is probably because it is a very homogenous state, ethnically speaking. Not a point of immigration. YOu've obviously given the whole think little thought, and just posted. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.16.19, 12:15 AM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:46 AM Flag
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Heartbreaking. So senseless. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:29 AM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:38 AM Flag
[ - ] I was emotionally abusive to my eldest daughter, do you think it is best for her I let her pull away now that she is college or should I try to repair the relationship. 22 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:41 AM Flag
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Give her a sincere apology, enumerating how you wronged her, and let her decide if she wants to repair the relationship or not. If you're really sorry you'll let her, as the injured party, decide. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:53 AM Flag
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This. Wow. Can’t even imagine how different things would’ve been if my mom apologized. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:33 AM Flag
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This x1,000. I almost cried reading this because my mom was emotionally abusive and she has never apologized. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 07:59 PM Flag
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Attempt to Repair it. Admit your mistakes. Tell her you don’t expect forgiveness but are hoping she can find a way to do so, offer solo and joint counseling. Better late than never. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:54 AM Flag
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It is hard right now make that sort of apology because her reaction has been to be very cruel to me i feel like making a big apology is like telling her it is ok to turn around and be the bully as she feels i deserve it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:59 AM Flag
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Do you want to be right, or do you want to have a relationship with your daughter? She's angry, and justifiably so. Nothing is going to get better without an apology from you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:11 AM Flag
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You DO deserve it. You abused a child. She was helpless and dependent on her. Apologize and commit yourself to at least 3 years of weekly therapy. Ruthlessly deal with yourself. Your daughter owes you nothing. If she is open to repair, she'll let you know. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:11 AM Flag
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This [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:31 AM Flag
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+1. Don't be the victim. You will never be the victim here. Never. If she wants to punish you for the rest of her life, that is what you deserve. You will never have "made it up to her." Just keep apologizing and mean it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:37 PM Flag
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NP. Um, sounds like you do deserve it. You said you were emotionally abusive to her. You're a bad parent. You made your bed, now you have to lie in it. It's up to her whether she wants a relationship with you, and whatever she does, she's earned the right to treat you however she wants, including cutting you off completely. I would, if I were her. You would be dead to me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:14 AM Flag
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Time to woman-up and be a mom. That means this is about HER, not you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:27 AM Flag
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You're not 13, are you? You're an adult. Behave like one. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:39 AM Flag
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What did you do exactly [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:42 AM Flag
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THIS. It almost sounds like the daughter is the one writing this, because emotionally abusive people tend to deny any emotional abuse. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:48 AM Flag
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What do you mean by "let" her pull away? Celebrate the fact that she is doing so and work on your issues in her absence. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:09 AM Flag
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Just stop [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:07 PM Flag
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What was the nature of the emotional abuse? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:20 AM Flag
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Here's a hint: it's out of your control now. It's all her choice, no matter what you try to do. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 11:18 AM Flag
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What does that have to do with her question? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:50 PM Flag
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What would you do differently going forward? I cut my mother out of my life when DCs were born as I didn’t want her to abuse them too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:01 PM Flag
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As the DD of an emotionally abusive mother, I can tell you that well into my 30s I was desperate to receive a sincere apology from her and seek to move forward on a different note. After years of hurt after hurt after hurt I was always confident that I could have truly forgiven her in an instant and moved forward if she would just ADMIT the damage she had done and apologize sincerely. She did not have an easy life and she had been through a lot of abuse. Please try to repair. Worst case is she pulls away. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:20 PM Flag
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How was she emotionally abusive? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 08:05 PM Flag
[ - ] need recommendation for bat mitzvah reception venue in manhattan for about 150 people. nothing dark or club-like; need seating and space for a dj. tia. 15 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:08 AM Flag
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Chelsea Piers? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:11 AM Flag
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^^https://piersixty.com/weddings-social-events/bar-mitzvah-venue/ [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:12 AM Flag
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The Lighthouse at Chelsea Piers is one of the darkest venues in all of NYC. We nicknamed it The Darkhouse (-former wedding industry employee) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:39 AM Flag
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Last time I was there it was so bright I was squinting. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:59 PM Flag
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The Cutting Room? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:13 AM Flag
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The Museum of Jewish Heritage in Battery Park has a big ballroom with river views. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:14 AM Flag
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Slate [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:23 AM Flag
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I would think most hotels have a large space for events. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:29 AM Flag
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Find a venue with large windows [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:50 AM Flag
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Central Park boathouse [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:54 AM Flag
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Casa Italia at Columbia University. Large room, with outdoor space, and a reasonable price. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:20 AM Flag
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Edison ballroom [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:37 AM Flag
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Housing Works bookstore - went to a great Bat Mitzvah there. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:03 PM Flag
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+1 went to an awesome wedding there [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:09 PM Flag
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Went to a wedding here - https://www.parkernewyork.com/events/party/ [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 06:09 PM Flag
[ - ] heading up to woodstock next weekend -- any restaurant recommendations? 5 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:57 AM Flag
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Woodstock NY, or Woodstock VT? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:01 AM Flag
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oops, NY! thanks [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:02 AM Flag
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Cucina! By far the best meal I may have ever had! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:02 PM Flag
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Looks great, thanks! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:10 PM Flag
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oriole 9 for breakfast or lunch [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:05 AM Flag
[ - ] If someone has super wealthy parents and will soneday inheit millions why is it wrong for spouse to feel like some of that money should be used now to help the kids. 19 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:52 AM Flag
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If the inheritance is that much and that certain, then the couple should feel free to bank on it and spend on kids school what might otherwise be put to savings. If it’s not that much or that certain (or the parents’ relationship is what is uncertain), then they should plan their spending without regard to the potential inheritance [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:03 AM Flag
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Because the money doesn't belong to the spouse yet, so whoever has it now decides what to do with it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:04 AM Flag
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It’s wrong for anyone to make decisions for other’s money. The parents could decide to give it all to charity if they choose. It’s theirs, not yours. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:04 AM Flag
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+1. Your kids, you should spend your money. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:33 AM Flag
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I'd agree that parents should help their adult children financially when there is a need other than letting them wait to inherit at parents' death. But not all the parents realize that and you can't blame them. One can talk to/influence the parents, but it won't be right to feel entitled to decide how to use their money on their behalf. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:45 AM Flag
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Also, needs vs wants. The grandparents might agree that private school and travel teams are the latter, not the former. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 09:33 AM Flag
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Because it’s not the spouses money. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:56 AM Flag
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+1. As a parent I will be upset if my child’s spouse expect me spent my money on his/ her decisions/ responsibilities. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:39 AM Flag
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+2 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 07:39 PM Flag
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are you the same poster whose dh wants to become academic and have parents fill savings gap? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:55 AM Flag
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ya think? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:11 AM Flag
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Because wealthy parents may disinherit both to teach them some manners. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:13 AM Flag
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This. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 09:34 AM Flag
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Totally this, 100,000% It's not yours, or rather your spouse's quite yet and it may never be. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:47 PM Flag
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drunk [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 11:06 AM Flag
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Dulos, is that you ?? No you don’t deserve anything. Parents should absolutely refuse to spend anything of their Dc’s stupid choice. If their dc is married to a lazy goon, then he/ she should deal with it at their own. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:53 PM Flag
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Most super wealthy parents start giving money before they die. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:28 PM Flag
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Your counting your chickens a too soon. Even super wealthy people, maybe especially, don't like too be told what to do with their money. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:42 PM Flag
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Honestly, dh's parents have millions and have created a trust for our kids. They did not contribute to tuition - not even college tuition. They are now entering 90s, living well and spending money on aides and housing. I do not expect million left when they eventually pass. Never count your chickens. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 07:54 PM Flag
[ - ] How do you forgive yourself for making some bad clothing purchases (unreturnable)? I was sure I loved this dress but it's 250 down the drain because it looks horrible on me. I feel sick about it. I do this every once in a while and I can't forgive myself. 23 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:22 AM Flag
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The money is gone. There is nothing you can do. Get it out of your house. Can you sell it on ebay. Move on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:27 AM Flag
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ThredUP [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:30 AM Flag
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Yes, send it to ThredUP! Maybe I will like it... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:24 AM Flag
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Happens to me too once in a while . Oh well , just move on . We are not the only ones . Hugs * [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:31 AM Flag
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Donate it to dress for success & you will feel better about it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:36 AM Flag
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Stop buying clothes. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:46 AM Flag
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Sample sale? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:48 AM Flag
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How i wish that buying an ugly dress i couldn't return was anywhere on my list if ungirgivanke things i have done. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:31 AM Flag
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Melania? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:55 AM Flag
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She's on UB, Being Best! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 09:35 AM Flag
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Ebay or consignment...won't get it all back but will get some ($50ish at least) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:37 AM Flag
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Just forgive yourself! All clothing purchases are basically a leap of faith. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:54 AM Flag
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Pretend this never happened. Put the dress in the trash then get on with life. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:30 AM Flag
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Good. Don't forgive yourself. Don't feel better about it. Remember this feeling for a long, long time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 09:34 AM Flag
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Sell it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 10:52 AM Flag
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I remind myself that I didn't kill anyone and this is really a first world problem. I took a risk and it didn't work out. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:18 PM Flag
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I bought a thousand dollar skirt from intermix in the early 2000’s and I’ve never worn it. Every time I have an enemy I think it might work for I try it on and it looks terrible. For some reason I can’t get rid of it. I did get a 200 credit for other purchases when I bought it. Then I let it expire. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:23 PM Flag
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Event not enemy. Lol. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:34 PM Flag
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Cut yourself some slack. We have all wasted money on something. Just sell it on eBay or a consignment store. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:49 PM Flag
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Personally, I would feel better if I donated it than if I got some back selling it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:04 PM Flag
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Either is a good option [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:28 PM Flag
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Get over it! Bad clothing choices will happen over the course of a lifetime. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:44 PM Flag
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Sell even if for a small amount on ebay and move on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 08:01 PM Flag
[ - ] My 15 yr old ds applied for a few jobs, just out he did not anything. Now I’m stuck with a teenager with nothing to do for the summer. Anyone has last minute option? I live in NYC 21 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:19 AM Flag
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Volunteer [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:29 AM Flag
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babysit or dog walk [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:33 AM Flag
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My kids had better luck closer to college age than 15. They volunteered at the public library in our town. Took some online HS classes for credit. Read, biked around, just relaxed. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:39 AM Flag
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Take a community college 100-level class and start building college credits early. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 09:36 AM Flag
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Send him to the pool. Give him chores. Visit colleges. I love hanging with my kids. Stuck with would never cross my mind [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:44 AM Flag
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Op: I love hanging with ds, stuck isn’t the right word. I have to work leaving him at home, not a good idea [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:12 AM Flag
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Does your library have a teen room or a maker space? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:14 AM Flag
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Fast food. Retail. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:04 AM Flag
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CIT [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:07 AM Flag
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How is this a problem? My 14 yr old is doing a few daycamps for teens but mostly just hanging out. It is fine. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:11 AM Flag
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No, not really [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:38 AM Flag
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Why not? He has a couple of years until he can get a job here, and then in two more years he will leave for college and be gone. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:35 AM Flag
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I agree with you as long as he won't get into trouble or watch screens all day. Mine work some PT jobs, but have A LOT of down time with their friends at the beach. I want them to enjoy the few carefree summers they have left. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:29 PM Flag
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It is fine if you are around and if he has good friends around. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:05 PM Flag
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just keep applying! if he throws enough darts out there something is sure to hit! he could be a camp counselor. try ashpahlt green [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:04 AM Flag
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Ah, then he can join the workforce called housework. He is now in charge of cleaning the house or apartment, doing the laundry, cooking, etc, etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:13 AM Flag
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You can send him away to a boarding school summer program. I'm pretty sure most of them have space for full paying families (about 7k+ for 4-5 weeks) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:32 AM Flag
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She wanted him to earn money,not spend money for someone to watch him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:36 AM Flag
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I have 3 dcs older than yours. I finally figured out that it is easier to help them get their first job (though your own professional connections or businesses that you frequent), let them get confidence and experience and then let them strike out on their own. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:16 AM Flag
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What are his interests and strengths? He can make cash being a dog walker. If you belong to a church ask around there for ways he can help others. He has time and opportunity to do some real good in the world. Ask him his ideal solution and work from there. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:18 AM Flag
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My 19 yr old finally got a job, but applied to lots without any bites. Rising soph at an excellent college. Summer work is not easy to find. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:52 PM Flag
[ - ] Fashion moms: I have some bootcut jeans that i want to cut on the bottom to have that raw edge look. What is the right length? Right now they almost touch the ground. Thanks for helping this clueless but wants-to-be-stylish mom. 15 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:09 AM Flag
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It won't work. the place that you cut them to be the right length won't be the right amount of flare. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:11 AM Flag
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?? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:16 AM Flag
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but what is the right length? I want to cut them and then see. If it doesn't work, no loss, because i don't like how they look now. Thank you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:20 AM Flag
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I would cut an inch at a time and stop when it's what you want. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:22 AM Flag
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What is the "in" length for flared jeans now? Cropped, right? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:22 AM Flag
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https://shop.nordstrom.com/sr?origin=keywordsearch&keyword=raw+edge+jeans looks like it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:23 AM Flag
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Omg NOOOOOO. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 09:37 AM Flag
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I don’t think you can cut bootleg jeans [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:33 AM Flag
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of course you can! short people do before they hem them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:35 PM Flag
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Please don't do this. There are very few people who can even pull off bootleg jeans anymore, but the idea of you cutting them sounds extremely far from stylish. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:22 AM Flag
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Unless you have long legs, I would avoid it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 05:01 AM Flag
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Just cut off the hemmed part, about half an inch. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 09:38 AM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:25 PM Flag
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Look at the Ann Mashburn website for how short/long their cropped slight flare jeans are on normal people. Their model is very attractive but not a true model (I think she’s their daughter?). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:56 PM Flag
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^Also I think if you go back in Ann Mashburn’s “you need this I promise” column I think there’s an article about how cropped jeans should look. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:58 PM Flag
[ - ] DB is 20 months old and was a great sleeper until a few weeks ago. All of a sudden she started fighting bedtime and now it’s turned into an hour-long scream-fest every night. I’ve tried shortening her afternoon nap, putting her to bed earlier, putting her to bed later, nothing helps. I’ve been letting her cry it out this past week but it’s not getting any better. HELP. 3 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:04 AM Flag
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My 22 month hates going down too. He tries to everything to stall going to bed. I usually just have to chase him down and scoop him up to take him in his room to get ready for bed. He fights and kicks and screams but eventually settles down after a few minutes. I don't think there's much you can do at this age other than try to tire them out. They just want to keep playing and exploring. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:34 AM Flag
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She's older and fears of separation sets in. Dreaming occurs. Daytime anxieties manifest in the night. Bath at bedtime. I let my kids stay up later than most too (9pm). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:40 AM Flag
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Growth spurt? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:22 AM Flag
[ - ] Silly FWP poll. Are all tour towels matching? Same color? 11 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:01 AM Flag
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I have all white in my bathroom (bath, hand, washcloths). DDs have pink, blue and green that sort of match the color of their shower curtain. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:17 AM Flag
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not at all [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:15 AM Flag
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This. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 09:39 AM Flag
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Same. I have a couple of towels/hand towels in each of 3 colors, plus a couple of random big bath sheets. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:38 PM Flag
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Two colors that look good together, half of each. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:21 AM Flag
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I have 3 colors that look nice together, grey, sort of dusty purple, and green. (Seriously, they do look nice together, lol). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:49 AM Flag
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I have 3 colors that look nice together, grey, sort of dusty purple, and green. (Seriously, they do look nice together, lol). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:49 AM Flag
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oops, sorry [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:49 AM Flag
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Ive been in house expense lockdown for a while. Mine are old and mismatched and I probably should replace. I’m doing a renovation and redecorate this summer so maybe now is the time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:26 PM Flag
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Each bathroom has a color. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:06 PM Flag
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For us each person has a color, then we have a guest color. Ours are both white, but kids each have one color - jewel tones. Guest towels are tan. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:15 PM Flag
[ - ] What do you look for in a friend? I want to make more friends but I am so tired on Friday and it isn't helping. Feels like by 50 everyone has friends. 11 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:15 AM Flag
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I don't look for anything. I'm friends with people because it turned out that way. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:21 AM Flag
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Its harder as you age. So easy to bond in college... but take it slow. Get to know people. And remember aquaintences and friends are not the same. I’ve found a good friend or two at church later in life. Also at work. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:23 AM Flag
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I will be honest. I find that the people I have most in common with (fundamentally, as a background proposition), are also the most likely to be in need of lots of financial help. Historically, I've been burned. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:27 AM Flag
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Someone down to earth, open, friendly, not afraid to be flawed. I find so many other moms I meet stuck up and unrelatable. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:36 AM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:45 PM Flag
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Have a good heart, a positive attitude, similar interests, and make me laugh. I don't want 50 friends, I want 5 to 10 people I connect with easily. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:48 AM Flag
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5-10 is a lot. I would be satisfied with 1-3 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:04 AM Flag
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np This. DH and I move every 2-5 years. In each place I've lived, I've made one or two good friends. It's now at a point where it's difficult to make the time to keep up with them all and maintain real friendships. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 09:49 AM Flag
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I don't really look for anything, but I have made a couple of good friends, as well as a couple of good, solid, acquaintances in the past 10 years (I'm 42 now). I just go off the vibe when talking to someone. Do we have anything in common, are we laughing, is the conversation flowing naturally, am I interested in what she's saying? Just make an effort to talk to more people, and not just on Fridays. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:33 AM Flag
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nice, kind, funny, smart. I don't look for them, though. They just sort of arrive. Nice people who you like and arrange to catch up with. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:50 AM Flag
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I'm watching this. At 53 I've found it impossible to make friends in NYC. Moved here after dcs were little so making parent friends didn't click. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 04:19 AM Flag
[ - ] When did Addison become a girl's name? I always liked it bc it means son of Adam (DH) and wanted to use it for a middle name, but whenever I tell people this, I am told that it is now a gril's name. Bummer. 26 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:00 AM Flag
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My niece is an Addison and she's 16. It's been around forever. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:06 AM Flag
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wrong. 16 years ago is not forever-- it used to be a boys name until the 90's [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:23 AM Flag
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It was not a very popular boy name but became a wildly popular girls name. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:38 AM Flag
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At its height as a boy name, 450 baby boys were named Addison. At its height as a girl name, 12000 baby girls were named Addison. Since 1880, in US there have been a total of 13,235 boys named Addison, and 135,715 girls named Addison. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:41 AM Flag
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A lot of today's girls' names were originally boys' names. It's a good way of tracing sexist attitudes - there's almost never a problem with giving a girl a "boy's" name, but as soon as it becomes equally common for girls, parents stop using it for boys almost immediately. Addison was 100% male in 1880, rose to 55% female in 1996, and was 98% female by 2012. Allison was 100% male in 1880, was 52% female before WW2, 80% female by 1950, and has been 100% female since the 60s. Lindsay was 100% male in 1880, began to be used for girls in the late 40s, and was 100% female by the late 60s. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 10:01 AM Flag
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I've never heard of a boy named Addison [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:15 AM Flag
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LOL. This was a boy's name until a couple of decades ago, just maybe not that popular. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:34 AM Flag
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I have a coworker with a son named Addison. He's about 25. For the longest time I was so confused whenever my coworker mentioned Addison, because I thought it was a girl's name. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:12 AM Flag
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For forever [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:23 AM Flag
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It hit the charts in 1994 for girls. Prior to that it was a boys name. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:23 AM Flag
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Use it, it's nice. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:24 AM Flag
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I knew both a toddler girl and toddler boy named Addison in 1988. I think it used to be more of a unisex name, like Taylor (which is now mostly a girls' name too, but I know a couple men named Taylor). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:26 AM Flag
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Idk but this site tracks name popularity- http://www.babynamewizard.com/ [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:26 AM Flag
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I like it! If parents want to name their daughter's SON of Adam, that shouldn't change your opinion on the name. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:27 AM Flag
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if you like it, use it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:28 AM Flag
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Use it. I have a male cousin with Addison as a middle name. Named after his grandfather. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:29 AM Flag
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I say use it. It is a middle name. Are you concerned he will get teased? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:33 AM Flag
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Personally I hate all the boys' names used as girls' names (least favorite is Taylor, or maybe Aubrey, yuck). But all of these names seem to have been taken over. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:33 AM Flag
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trend has always happened. Look at the name Ashley, the name Allison, the name Courtney. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:44 AM Flag
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Kimberly, Stacy [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 12:49 AM Flag
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OR: Not a fan of any of it TBH. Nothing inherently wrong with it, but eye roll at the parents who think they are cutting edge by going this route [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:30 AM Flag
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James and Max are both making the move. We'll know we have equality when a girl's name moves over to being a boy's name. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:52 AM Flag
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There's a very popular gay you-Tube couple who have twin daughters, one of them is named Addisen. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:31 AM Flag
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I can’t believe no one mentioned Gray’s Anatomy! The Addison character, played by Kate Walsh, certainly boosted popularity by huge margin. Name was already circulation, but hit tv show solidified it... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 01:38 AM Flag
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And seriously atypical name for someone in her age group. Like the French-Canadian Meagan on Mad Men circa 1970,,,um, almost impossible [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 02:31 AM Flag
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Agree, her name bothered me. It would have been unheard of when she was born. Calliope (Callie) was more realistic. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.19, 03:30 AM Flag
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